Revisited

In 2004 I published “Seeking the Inner Ring” in my newsletter, which I have included below with further comments. I still think about it from time to time.

---

Seeking the Inner Ring

Throughout our lives, we seek to improve ourselves, especially our social standing and our career prospects. But are there some things we shouldn’t seek out? I’d like to introduce you to a compelling speech on this subject, and then I’ll share a relevant experience from my youth that has weighed heavily upon me for years.

Rings

I’ve just read a through-provoking speech by C. S. Lewis, “The Inner Ring.” An inner ring is perhaps the same thing as an “inner circle.” Wikipedia says that an inner circle “describes the individuals who are given special status…” and goes on to discuss things like secret societies, esoteric teaching, and friendship networks. [The Wikipedia page has changed a lot in the last 20 years, and it’s now merely a disambiguation page.] Lewis warns us against seeking admittance to any of the many inner rings we encounter in life merely for the sake of being there. But this isn’t easy. Lewis said:

I believe that in all men’s lives at certain periods… one of the most dominant elements is the desire to be inside the local Ring and the terror of being left outside.

This reminds me of the many invitation-only workshops like LAWST (the Los Altos Workshop on Software Testing) that I wasn’t getting invited to a few years ago. When I finally did get invited to LAWST a few times, I either couldn’t attend on the chosen dates, or I didn’t have much to say about the chosen topic, so I declined the invitations. Reaching the milestone of getting invited accomplished nothing but to alleviate my anxiety that I wasn’t worthy of being invited. You could of course make the argument that if I were even further inside that inner ring, I could influence the choice of dates and topics so they suited me better. Maybe some day I could, but in the mean time, I’m no longer fretting so much about whether I’m getting invitations like this.

Lewis recommends that we simply strive to be “one of the sound craftsmen,” and in the long run we will find ourselves inside what appears from the outside to be an inner ring, but in fact is not, and is much more valuable. It is friendship. For Lewis, inner rings are apparently artificial creations, built upon active exclusion and forced secrecy. My interpretation is that a circle of friends is secretive merely because the friends aren’t going out of their way to announce their mutual bond. If someone were to make a genuine request to join in, they would likely be welcomed, if only they knew that this was something they could possibly ask about. If a newcomer approached one or more of these craftsmen not for the purpose of joining a clique but for mutually advancing some shared interest, it is likely that this association of friends would be introduced to the newcomer in the natural course of things.

So we can generously view the web of semi-secretive gatherings merely as groups of friends who want to learn from each other. Other friends can be brought into the gathering, just as some may go. Should we expect them to grow without bound, once more people become aware of them? That’s an interesting question, as the character of a large group is different from that of a small intimate group. Would they be wrong to limit how many people they’re willing to interact with? Perhaps the limits will come naturally, as our own circle of friends is limited by how much time we can feasibly dedicate to maintaining the friendships. To do this, we pay attention to some people and turn away others.

The Vigil

Some accomplishments in our lives must be sought, and others must not. I saw a clear example of this as a Boy Scout. There is an organization within the Boy Scouts of America called the Order of the Arrow (OA). The OA is a secret society, in that the members are asked not to discuss the details of the initiation and certain signs of their membership level to people who haven’t achieved that level.

The first step to join the OA is to satisfy a set of well-defined requirements, including merit badges, camping experience, etc. Once a year, a certain percentage of those who meet the requirements are nominated for OA membership via a vote of the troop members. So first the Scout must take the initiative to satisfy the requirements, and the next step depends on a much more subjective process, which the Scout can only influence by improving his social standing in the troop. Meeting the concrete requirements can follow a predictable time line, but there is no certainty regarding when and if the Scout will be nominated.

If a Scout is nominated, there are again a set of concrete requirements. This starts with a weekend-long induction quaintly named the “Ordeal.” Then, much like a fraternity pledge, the Scout is encouraged to learn more about the organization. A year later, he can demonstrate that he’s met the requirements and then be inducted as a “Brotherhood” member.

At this point, the path becomes subjective again, and this is where it got interesting for me. The highest membership level is the Vigil Honor, which is bestowed to a small percentage of Brotherhood members by other Vigil Honor members. The only prerequisite is being a Brotherhood member for two years.

I was a Brotherhood member. I was active in the lodge and eventually became Lodge Chief. I was planning the induction for the three levels of membership, traditionally conducted jointly over one weekend. I was eligible for the Vigil Honor for the first time, and as Lodge Chief, I was a highly visible candidate. When I asked the person who was planning the Vigil Honor induction about coordinating with the other events of the weekend, he became suspicious about my motives. He sent me a letter, urging me, “Do not seek the Vigil – the Vigil will seek you.” Like the other candidates, I was delighted by the chance of receiving the Vigil Honor, but I was not consciously trying to abuse my power to sway the decision or learn who had been chosen.

During the weekend of the induction, I was briefing the people who would be conducting the ceremonies that evening. I made a terrible slip of the tongue, saying “When we are called out for the Vigil Honor” when I should have said “When they are called out.” I immediately corrected the error. It was an embarrassing slip. All kinds of things were going through my head at the time – the above-average likelihood that I would be recognized for my service as Lodge Chief, balanced by the growing cloud of suspicion that hung over me.

Just in case, I had brought supplies that I knew would be needed if I would be experiencing the vigil induction that weekend. I didn’t need them. The moment came, and I was not selected. I was disappointed, but didn’t feel I has lost out on something I was entitled to.

Later that year, we held another induction for those who couldn’t attend the first. I was no longer dwelling on the Vigil Honor. I didn’t bother to bring the extra supplies with me. But this time, I did need them. I was selected to be inducted into the Vigil Honor, and I scrambled to borrow camping equipment to survive a real overnight vigil under the stars. It was a profoundly moving experience for me, though of course I’m not supposed to tell you why.

Much later I found out that I had been selected all along, but at the first induction my name was struck off the list at the last minute. Though I was not trying to seek the Vigil, my actions implied otherwise, and those actions were highly visible. Now years later I still hear the mantra “Do not seek the Vigil” repeating in my thoughts any time I feel like I’m seeking recognition.

When to seek?

Clearly, some recognitions and affiliations must be sought, and others must not. The hard part is knowing which is which, and how to deal with the gray area in between. I’m still trying to figure out all the things Lewis was trying to say about inner rings. But I can take his conclusion to heart, that we should simply strive to do good work and form genuine friendships. As humans, we’re going to make some mistakes along the way. And we still have to choose how we seek out the work and make friends in the first place. No one said life was going to be easy!

My thanks to Matthew Heusser for pointing me to Lewis’ speech and to Matthew Heusser and Dave Millman for giving me early feedback on this article.

---

Epilogue – 2025

Speaking of friendships, I’m happy to still be in touch with Matthew Heusser.

Twenty years ago, I didn’t yet know that I was on the autism spectrum. I now wonder if my response to the accusations of seeking the vigil honor was purely defensiveness, and not considering what other people’s perceptions were. I never bothered to ask what was the basis of their concern. Was it a harsh punishment to make me think for half a year that I wasn’t selected? I don’t have a strong opinion about that, but I do know that the learnings from that experience will stay with me all of my life.

When I think of how this shaped my more recent behavior, I’m reminded of how I tried to get a promotion in a recent job. While trying to put together the promotion packet, at some point along the way, it started to feel like I was grasping for something that was going to distract from my daily job function. So I stopped pursuing it. I felt that if my company wasn’t going to proactively recognize my abilities and ease the path to promotion, it probably wasn’t the right path. (This decision was later validated when I read Developer Hegemony.)

On the other hand, my latest “merit badge” was a recognition I received from the chorus I sing in, where I passed a difficult qualification on each of ten songs. Earning this one was not a zero sum game. It was nice to have a straightforward but challenging goal to achieve.